My Wife Made Me Write This

Hello Blogworld,

Hi my name is Q and I am a domestic blogger's husband.

Due to my wife's increasing panic over the holiday meal which led to a 24-hour marathon of FoodNetwork and an effort to master French cooking in a week (I blame Julie and Julia) and now the ensuing exhaustion, I have been designated as her "pinch blogger" (baseball analogy). Do you ladies watch baseball? Basically, it just means that she's making me post for her while she recovers.

A couple nights ago, we had this funny conversation:

HH (Harvard Housewifey): Honey, what is this weird DVD on our shelf?

Me (Hubby): Oh, that's the "Axis: Bold As Love" DVD. It's a guitar guide to play the classic Jimi Hendrix Experience album. It was like, their second studio album and...

HH: La-la-la. Lalala, Bo-rrring. I'm bored.

Me: (stifling a laugh) Welcome to my world.  How many times do I listen to you talking on endlessly about fashion?

(I launch into my impersonation of my wife's high pitched babble)

"Baby, I love the Herve Leger bandage dress. It's gorgeous! Do you think I will look fat in it? Peach or eggplant...Maybe in red? What about shoes? Are these shoes too chunky for this dress?"

And I'm thinking to myself, La-la-la. Lalala, Bo-rrring. I'm bored.  But I don't SAY that because that would be NOT NICE. Instead I say: "Hmmm Herve who? Baby, you are beautiful and, yes, those heels are too chunky for that dress."  Even though I have no idea what I'm talking about.

---

Memo to self: Google Herve something bandage dress.

Am I done writing this post honey?  Can I get off the computer?

Apparently yes.

Peace,

H³ aka H cubed (Harvard Housewife Hubby)

Featured Housewife of the Week [HOW] - Malia

What better way to kick off the blog (after the holiday hiatus) than with a new featured HOW!  Please give props to Malia, a busy bee who hosts a fantastic Brag on Him weekly feature on Blissfully Domestic.  Be sure to email her your "how fabulous my husband is" postings. She's pretty fabulous herself so read on...

Stats:  Malia, 35ish, Nashville
Best Housewife Tip: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle & Repurpose - it is possible to be frugal AND green. Use dishcloths instead of sponges; use old cloth diapers/burp clothes for all kinds of cleaning; use cloth napkins instead of paper napkins or paper towels; use reusable storage containers instead of plastic storage bags. Bring your own bags to the grocery store. Replace lightbulbs (as they go out) with CFLs.

Check out her musings at her live-laugh-love blog where alongside her hubby, and in between recipes, she's witty, insightful and remarkably open.

Strained Thigh Muscle and...Vegas

Harvard Housewife is going to....VEGAS!

Tomorrow. To be exact. In my absolute joy, I attempted to do a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader type kick into the splits. Which, to be clear, I have no experience doing whatsoever or did I take ballet or jazz or some other type of dance class at any age. The moment just came over me. Now, I'm paying for it.

The move I attempted happens at the :48 second mark in the video below.  I have never in my life even done a split. Also, I have never been a cheerleader. So what was I thinking?




I severely pulled my thigh muscle and am hobbling around the house in great agony.  But I don't care! because for 2 sweet weeks, hubby and I are going to be on vacation. First up is Vegas and from there, who knows?  We'll dash home for Christmas, as it will be our first one together away from extended family, and our first as a married couple. But we are being spontaneous and playing it by ear. So if you see an ebullient screaming woman rappelling down the Grand Canyon with leg in cast, that's moi.

Happy Holidays! I'll post as often as I can, but being on vacation, no promises....

I'm 100% original

Today, at a holiday party, all the couples (me and hubby included) exchanged gifts with one another. Every single gift included:

• homemade baked goods (muffins, banana bread, caramel, cupcakes, even petit fours)
• a thoughtful gift such as a cute book or a fun game
• pretty wrapping paper, homemade card, and/or festive ribbon

Just when I thought I had this whole housewife thing down, our turn comes. And you know what I have? Two UNWRAPPED cheap-ish generic items: A box of chocolates and a candle from a drugstore. And I'm freaking out cause I feel both upstaged and guilty.  My heart is racing as our turn comes and we are last. I explain that "I don't wrap" cause I'm wrapping-challenged, which gets a laugh. Totally true, by the way. My philosophy is "just stick a bow on it" and call it a day.

Then, of course, everyone oohs and ahhs obligingly at our gifts, while I silently make a mental note to LEARN TO BAKE for next year so I too can have some homemade choco-pretzel mix or some other such treat to put in small clear cellophane paper and tie bows on it.  And also LEARN TO WRAP and LEARN TO BUY HEARTWARMING GIFTS (preferably miniature and cute).

Then I decide... it is the thought that counts. So maybe I'm not Susie Homemaker (she exists!), but I am 100% original. I can live with that.

Dear Hubby - TOP 5 Gifts for Label Queens

Dear Hubby,

You will inevitably dash to the mall Dec. 24th in a quest to find me (your perfect wife) the perfect gift. This year I'm making it easy to please me. As you know, I am easily distracted by sparkly things and I'm a self-confessed label queen.

MY TOP FIVE GIFTS FOR LABEL QUEENS

• Coach bag and/or wallet: $150-$300. If I want to look cute as I run errands all over town, a great bag is a must!
• Kate Spade Idiom bangle set - $75. Love the phrases printed inside: "The grass is always greener" and "tickled pink".
• Sephora fragrance gift set - $75.  Sampler set of 7 designer fragrances comes with a voucher so when I decide which scent I like best, I can redeem the voucher for a full size perfume.
• Ralph Lauren silk pajama set: $58.99 on sale. As much a gift for you as for me. No more ratty old t-shirt.
• Betsey Johnson fun and flirty jewelry or watches. Great gifts for your wifey with an edgy side.

Of course, the best gift you gave me this year was your unconditional 24/7 love.  You are my Mr. Darcy.

xoxo,

Your Harvard Housewife

Featured Housewife of the Week [HOW] - Just Like June

JUST LIKE JUNE is a lady after my own heart. I'm a big fan of her vibe:
old-fashioned living for the modern world.

In a world of all the "teetering-on-the-brink" housewives (ahem-me), she's like a rock: Steady and full of sensible advice. And if you're into from scratch and natural based living, she's your gal.

Right now she has a holiday cooking series featured on her blog, so definitely check out her yummy recipes.

Best Housewife Tip:  Treat your days the same way you would if you were working outside of the home.  Make a weekly plan, take breaks, use a planner and try to get all the mundane stuff (errands, laundry, etc.) done before dinner so you can have family time afterwards.

Bio: I’m a modern woman with old-fashioned tendencies.  A soon to be Mum of a little boy (36 weeks pregnant), I’m big on hospitality, common courtesy, and old-fashioned good manners.  I have a bachelor’s degree in Sociology and spent 7 years working my way up the corporate ladder (to nowhere).  You have to love a Sociology degree.  I decided to stay home when the little one was born, but poor health started my new life early and now that I’m feeling better, I couldn’t be happier.  So, here I am awaiting our arrival and blogging about cooking, baking, etiquette, and general old-fashioned home-making.

Interview Mania

My phone has been ringing off the hook. All of a sudden, I am in demand. I feel like the "it" girl in the city going on a bunch of blind dates. Or, perhaps, I AM MORE LIKE Miss Havisham, the old lady who clung to her wedding dress (in my case, career aspirations) like it would somehow validate her.

Here's a quick rundown of the interview mania over the past week:

Interview 1: Celeb's Company
Question: If ____ wants to get into the latest hot club, how would you get him in (and make sure he gets VIP treatment)?
Wish I had said: Are you for real? I am too old for this bs...

Interview 2: Investment Bank, Media Division
The interviewer keeps unapologetically blackberrying, texting, emailing during the interview.
Wish I had said (with attitude): Call me when you figure out what common courtesy is.

Interview 3: Prominent Entertainment Company
Warning flag: When the assistant has an assistant, you know it's going to be a stressful job.

Interview 4: Small Entertainment Company
Warning flag: I pull up to the interview location, freak out and drive away. It is not an office building. It is someone's house. Super super shady.

Interview 5: Mini Studio
Warning flag: Boss (kinda creepy, kinda charming) straight shooter-who tells me former employees were "dumb as a rock" and "self-entitled."  Didn't ask any questions. Just said my resume was incredibly impressive, that I was overqualified and that he could tell all that he needed to know based on my body language and how I carried myself. I left confused, but exhilarated.

*At the end of the day, I love being at home. Except that I'm totally torn between ruling the world (career) or cleaning the tub (home life). Ok, I'm exaggerating but that's how I feel when people judge ask me what I do "allll dayyy" in that condescending, yet curious tone.  Although, in my hubby's words: "I like having you at home. You're less stressed and therefore less crazy."

Mental Scorekeeping in Marriage

I know every book ever written says that, in marriage, you should not keep a scorecard. But that's like telling a cheetah not to have spots. I'm a woman. I think a lot. I hold grudges. I'm hormonal. I vacillate.

My mental scorekeeping last night:

Hubby hides remote (because he wants me to stop watching reality tv): -10 points
Hubby makes me a cup of tea: +2 points (would have been +3 if he'd read my mind and chosen the right flavor)
Hubby unloads dishwasher: +4 points
Hubby puts dirty dishes in sink: +4 points
Hubby leaves sink as spotless as I like it: priceless
We have a white sink that stains at the mention of food, so spotless is no minor feat.

Ok, so now we're even until he messes up again.
Me? I never mess up. But of course.

Featured Housewife of the Week [HOW]: Carmen

Meet Carmen, who is 37, living in TN, and going through an aging ego-meltdown triggered by high school kids and a husband that is anti-cosmetic intervention.

She blows me away because she's a "super woman" and "every woman". Truly doing it all. She's a mom, works in special education, is a handy-woman, a smarty (getting her PHD in Psychology), and also lots of fun. Just check out her blog: "Closer to Lucy".

Background: Who would go see a psychologist with the last name Askew? (Dr. Askew - lol) I chose Psychology because of my kids. I have a son with mental health issues and a daughter with physical and developmental disabilities. Psych is a no brainer because all of my case studies live in my house.

Best Housewife Tips:

• Schedule housework as little as possible, and it's okay if four items in a seven-course meal include the knife, fork, beverage, and napkin. If folks find out you're Paula Deen in the kitchen, they'll expect a southern meal everyday of YOUR life. Save your skills for intermittent surprises, and they'll appreciate it more!
  
• "Queen of the house" hour is a fixed part of my week; candles and music are optional; Mad Housewife wine is mandatory.
  
• A good Esthetician and me time are nonnegotiable.
  

I will not dress like Star Jones pre-surgery anymore

I'm kicking it into high gear. That is sticking to a healthy eating plan, taking classes, getting a trainer, blowing up my fridge. Whatever it takes to GET IN SHAPE! Who's with me ladies?

I'm posting my weight every month so I will be held accountable and cannot cheat.

Height today: 5'0" standing totally upright on a good day.
Weight today: 143 miserable pounds.
Goal this week: Not to eat box of ginger snaps in one go.

The fact that the Christmas holidays are around the corner is scary, but we'll deal with that when it arrives.

Harvard Housewife's Top 5 Random Gifts for ANYONE

If you're like me, you may be panicking because it's only a few days until Christmas and you have not bought anything!  Perhaps, the thought of fighting crazed shoppers on Black Friday was enough to keep you safely locked in your house. Then a "holiday hangover" on Cyber Monday kept you from taking advantage of those awesome online deals.

Now, you need some quick, brilliant gifts for those loved ones on your list.

These are some great gifts I've found online that seem awesome. I've not been paid to endorse any of them and I've only bought one of them (the mouse). Enough disclaimers. Here are my favs.

Top 5 Random Gifts for ANYONE

1.  A personalized ADDRESS STAMPER ($19.95 or $21.95) from Sweet Paperie on Etsy
*This gift is great for your best girlfriend, a co-worker, or even a mother-in-law. It will make all their mailing (such as Christmas and Thank You cards) so much easier.

2.  A CUSTOM COMPUTER MOUSE ($19.95 for basic mouse to $75 for a limited edition glam mouse) from MouseEnvy
*I got my husband a red velvet heart, which is now black-ish from constant use. I love this gift because whoever has it will smile every time they use their computer to open a document or click on an email.

3. A POCKETSIZE MULTIMEDIA PROJECTOR ($299.95) available at Brookstone and other retailers
*This is for that tech guru guy at work who always saves the day or if you really want to splurge and spoil someone in your life who loves gadgets. You can use this tiny device to project movies anywhere and turn basic white walls into your own home theatre or to show off cute pics of family.

4. A FLEXIBLE TRIPOD ($19.95)
*My hubby and I don't have enough pictures together because we can't always find a stranger to snap a photo of us when we're traveling or at an event. This tripod can be your camera's sidekick and with its unique flexible shape, you can mount it almost anywhere.

5. Personalized PORTRAIT OF YOUR PET ($85 to $150, but really priceless!!!) from Gadora Wilder
*Any pet lover would love a watercolor of their baby.

For further inspiration, I am a big fan of redenvelope.com for inspiration and be sure to check retailmenot.com for all those online coupon codes before you buy!

I Want to Be Fat

I am supposed to be on a 10 day detox plan from Thanksgiving.

Instead...
For lunch I ate McDonalds.
Dinner: KFC.
Dessert: Box of frozen bon-bons, with a side of "can of whipped cream".
I cannot even look at a bon-bon without wanting to throw up now.

I am convinced I WANT to be fat. I lost 9 pounds right before Thanksgiving. See why here.
I literally ate little bites all day for 2 weeks. It's called the Mariah Carey morsel diet. You can have anything you want, but just one bite of it. TOTALLY RIDICULOUS but it works. Anyway, I gained it all back in like 4 hours.

Meanwhile the hubby has taken up a new hobby: running! Can you believe it? He runs 2-3 miles a day. Yesterday, seeing his ripped bare chest almost made me faint, like fanning-myself-at-a-boy-band-concert-back-in-the-day faint.  I am soon to be the chubby housewife with her trophy hubby.

Guess the Celeb???

(continued from this post)

As I walk into the unmarked door, my hands start shaking.  Feels like Fort Knox or the CIA with all the secrecy, security checks, parking checks, a mysterious elevator ride, an unmarked suite, a locked door, and finally a doorbell which I press nervously.   Looking down at my malaga wine nail tips, I am so glad I dashed to the nail salon and got a manicure right before the interview. (By the way, a fresh manicure is the best excuse for not doing housework. Sorry honey! Can't do the dishes. Don't want to mess up my nails. I used this line today).

I cannot see his face, just the back of his head, but it's enough to cause the nerves. Oh yes, I recognize the BACK OF HIS HEAD. I surreptitiously tap out a text to my sister, feeling that if I share the situation with someone, it will somehow be less intimidating. It works.

In the interview, I learn I'd be working for the person who runs all the celeb's businesses. Warning flags start going off. Long hours, early morning calls, blackberry under the pillow to answer continuous streams of inane emails:

•  "Does that restaurant I like serve that dish I like for lunch tomorrow?" 
• "Is Gordon Brown Prime Minister or President of England?"
• "I want my haircut at 8:15, no 8:00 am. Wait cancel that. Move haircut to 10 am. Dermatologist to 8:00 and cancel all morning meetings. Wait, I'm going to change my mind every 5 minutes so you cannot sleep for any reasonable amount of time; even though none of this can happen until tomorrow morning, I will keep you up all night with my OCD thoughts."
• "Can you pick up lemon yellow shoes and bring them to my house before 8:00 am appt?"
• "Who is my 3:00 pm mtg with again? Who is that and why is that mtg on my schedule?"
• "Get me tickets to that sold out premiere."

AAHHHHHHHH.  I gave up this ridiculous life for a reason. If you've seen The Devil Wears Prada, that's a tiny glimpse into why being someone's right hand can be the death of the rest of you.

Every once in a while, an opportunity like this lures me out of the house. Confession time: I actually love being a housewife. And I don't want to fall into the trap of getting another job that sucks all my time and worse, steals my sense of worth.

Who you do ladies think it was? Is it worth it?

*Hint: the celeb is a diminutive multi-media star. Kinda confusing, but kinda true.

Welcome to the Pseudo Glam Life

I never do this, but this time I do. That is answer the phone without looking to see who is calling. Only one person ever calls my home number in the middle of the day. My husband. So I pick up and release a cool: "Hi baby." Long pause.

"Is this *Rachel?"

"Yes, it is. Sorry, I thought it was someone else," I say.  The woman on the other line giggles lightly at first, but she cannot contain herself and before I know it, she's outright laughing, a little too heartily. I'm not embarrassed because I'm used to being the clueless girl who has a perpetual case of foot-in-mouth disease.

The voice announces that she is calling from a high profile, confidential company and launches into an impromptu interview on the phone. She's a bit breathless betraying her expectation, like how you feel right before you go a blind date. You're hoping he's the one but feel anxious because you're afraid he's going to give off a red flag you should pay attention to, but wave off because you want it to work so badly. Like referring to his car as my baby or continually texting his mother throughout dinner.

I'm answering her questions and selling my credentials, because a tiny voice in my brain tells me to go for it. I remember the time in college when a creepy telemarketer voice pressed me for an informational survey and minutes later I found myself answering intimate questions, only to later read an article in the school newspaper about a pervert who was mining the school directory for fresh meat. Oh crap, am I letting myself be someone else's prey, again?

My heart is racing. I have an inkling that this is a celebrity job interview. Even though I feign apathy, when it comes to stars, I'm impressed by the chance to be near that whiff of power, fame, money. I start visualizing meeting Reese Witherspoon, becoming BFFs and supervising her eco-friendly handbag line and laughing, lattes in hand, as we walk down Rodeo drive.

The recruiter's voice cuts in again asking if I am available tomorrow. My curiosity spikes so I confirm: "Yes." And before I know it, I'm scheduled to show up at a mysterious building, walk down a mysterious hallway and find out what mysterious person hunted me down for this job.

Interview Outfit: J Crew python print coat. Calvin Klein sweater dress. DKNY satchel. Nine West knee-high boots. Professional with a dash of panache.

*Name changed to protect the identity of the Harvard Housewife.